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911 Operator Informs Black Caller That Death Is…

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Reassuring the man that he would receive an immediate response to his emergency, a 911 operator reportedly informed local black caller Jerry Wardell Tuesday that death was on the way. “Thank you for…

Hunter Biden Admits It Was Poor Judgment To…

WESTERVILLE, OH—In a television interview where he conceded that he had made some significant mistakes, Hunter Biden admitted Tuesday it was poor judgment on his part to be involved with the corrupt Biden family. “Now…

NBA Quietly Waiting For NFL To Fuck Up…

NEW YORK—Hoping that it was just a matter of time for some sort of scandal to draw attention away from the recent controversy with China, sources reported Tuesday that NBA commissioner Adam Silver is waiting…

Report: Kangaroo At Petting Zoo Can’t Be Good

PITTSFIELD, IL—Questioning exactly how the marsupial even made its way to such a small roadside attraction, local father Kyle Conrad, 43, confirmed Tuesday that a kangaroo at the Sherman Farm’s Petting Zoo could not possibly…

The Military Can’t Make Up Its Mind About…

American soldiers patrol northeastern Syria with Turkish forces in October, days before Turkey launched an invasion of the region.Andrew Goedl/US Army/Getty In Washington, DC, right now, few American allies are viewed with more hostility than…

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The Lines of Code That Changed Everything

Microsoft Word Users Are Incensed Over Apple’s New Catalina OS The False Promise of Bernie Sanders’ Plan to Make Credit Scores Less Racist Stitch Fix’s Algorithms and Astrophysicists Can’t Conquer Fashion The Supreme Court Denies…

The best red carpet looks from Elle’s 2019…

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State-Of-The-Art PA System Squandered On Lutheran Church

BRANSON, MO—Questioning the motivation and financial wisdom of the recent investment on the part of Blessed Hope Lutheran, parishioners and concerned locals alike confirmed Tuesday that a new, state-of-the-art PA system was “completely squandered” on…

Encouraged Marine Biologists Project Oceans Will Be Nice,…

KINGSTON, RI—Explaining that their recent findings indicated that climate change would have some positive effects on the environment, encouraged marine biologists at the University of Rhode Island projected Tuesday that the planet’s oceans will be…

Patriotism FTW: ‘Call Of Duty: Mobile’ Will Now…

When Activision first released Call Of Duty: Mobile early this month, fans were psyched to have the iconic first-player shooter optimized for Android and iPhone. Now it looks like there’s even more to get excited…

Dog Ownership Linked To Longer Life

Research published in Circulation: Cardiovascular Quality And Outcomes found that dog owners who suffered a stroke or heart attack had a roughly 30% lower chance of death than those without dogs. What do you think?…

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The 36 Bits of Software That Changed Our…

Microsoft Word Users Are Incensed Over Apple’s New Catalina OS The False Promise of Bernie Sanders’ Plan to Make Credit Scores Less Racist Stitch Fix’s Algorithms and Astrophysicists Can’t Conquer Fashion The Supreme Court Denies…