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“The Americans Are Traitors”: Trump Faces a Major…

President Donald Trump greets Turkish leader Recep Tayyip Erdoğan in June at the G20 summit in Japan.Metin Aktas/Anadolu Agency/Getty Donald Trump upended US military policy in the Middle East Sunday night, announcing through a White…

Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After…

ENCINO, CA—According to sources in attendance at the ceremony, area man Daniel Walter was wed Saturday to Kelly Kaminski, a woman he hardly even knows after five years of dating. “Kelly, you are my rock,…

Learning To Love Himself Getting Man Out Of…

NAMPA, ID—Noting that a huge weight had been taken off his shoulders, newly enlightened man Ken Eaton announced Monday that learning to love himself has freed him from the burden of extensive and painful self-reflection.…

Trying Their Best: The ‘Gears Of War’ Twitter…

Ally alert!  In a strange—but certainly well-meaning—series of posts today, the Gears Of War Twitter account engaged in an extended tribute to Black History Month, which, despite being entirely off the mark timewise, was kind…

Trump Cabinet Officials Resentful Of Increasing Power Wielded…

WASHINGTON—Increasingly concerned about the sway the woman exerted over the commander in chief, Trump cabinet officials have reportedly grown resentful of the power wielded by live-in caregiver Isabella Velazquez, 45, White House sources confirmed Monday.…

FDA Moves To Ban All Flavored Jolly Ranchers

WASHINGTON—Amid a recent spike in mysterious confection-related deaths, the Food and Drug Administration announced Monday its plan to ban all flavored Jolly Ranchers, allowing only the original flavorless variety to remain on shelves across the…

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Report: New Suit, Sir?

Looks Great SPARKS, MD—In a report suggesting that the boss had come in this morning with an even sharper-than-usual appearance, sources confirmed Monday that must be a new suit, sir, and it sure looks great.…

Banksy Painting Sells For Record $12.2 Million

Banksy’s “Devolved Parliament” painting, which depicts the British House of Commons as chimpanzees, sold at a Sotheby’s auction for $12.2 million, smashing the anonymous street artist’s previous record of $1.3 million. What do you think?…

Racists in One of America’s Richest Counties Are…

Glenelg High School in Maryland, part of the Howard County public school system. Will Newton/The Washington Post/Getty “Blacks destroy school systems and schools,” read one letter to county officials about the busing plan. “Black families…

Federal judge rules Trump must turn over 8…

Years after he should’ve voluntarily shared his tax returns with the American people, like every single other president before him, Donald Trump has lost a key court battle in federal court. In a 75-page ruling, Judge Victor…

Team Trump screams about Ukrainian corruption while shaking…

Rudy Giuliani Donald Trump and Republicans keep claiming that Trump’s pressure on Ukraine isn’t about encouraging foreign interference in the 2020 elections—it’s about corruption. They are very, very focused on Ukrainian corruption and—surprise!—they should know,…

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Top House Republican denies Trump asked China to…

Kevin McCarthy This is peak gaslighting. The hosts of Fox & Friends invited House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy to embrace the Republican talking point that Donald Trump wasn’t serious—was “just trolling”—when he asked China to investigate former…

Moscow Mitch: Party over country

  Monday October 07, 2019 · 6:48 AM PDT 2019/10/07 · 06:48 {{backgroundUrl avatar_large}} Joined: {{created_at}} Story Count: {{n_stories}} Comment Count: {{n_comments}} Popular Tags: {{showTags popular_tags}} {{#each badges}} {{badgeUrl .}} {{/each}} {{authorSig user_sig}} {{/unless}} {{/if}}…

Trump: If Turkey does anything that I, in…

  Monday October 07, 2019 · 8:58 AM PDT 2019/10/07 · 08:58 Betrayed Betrayed Donald Trump's betrayal of Syrian Kurds has been blasted by horrified Republican allies, with even forever-toadies Lindsey Graham and Liz Cheney,…

A Federal Judge Just Ruled That Trump Is…

Stefani Reynolds/Zuma A federal judge on Monday struck down President Donald Trump’s argument that a sitting president cannot be criminally investigated, letting the Manhattan district attorney’s office subpoena eight years of Trump’s tax returns. Trump’s…

Forever 21 Declares Bankruptcy

Retail clothing store Forever 21 filed for bankruptcy and announced it would close 350 stores worldwide as consumers increasingly move away from shopping malls and eschew fast fashion due to its environmental impact. What do…

Trump defends pulling US troops out of Syria

President Trump on Monday defended his administration’s decision to pull American troops out of northern Syria, declaring that the US will fight “WHERE IT IS TO OUR BENEFIT.” ​In a series of five tweets, the…