Loading

Trump Signed an Executive Order to “Protect” Medicare.…

Trump addresses supporters before signing an executive order in The Villages, Florida.Octavio Jones/Zuma In an apparent attempt to appeal to senior voters—and to divert attention away from the impeachment inquiry rocking the White House—President Donald…

New NCAA Rule Forces Athletes To Remove All…

Graphic: The Onion INDIANAPOLIS—Calling it a necessary step in lieu of state legislation challenging student athletes’ unpaid status, the NCAA announced a new rule Thursday forcing athletes to remove all facial features to prevent them…

Controversial New Guidelines Says No Need To Cut…

A new set of guidelines published Monday in the Annals of Internal Medicine contradicts the widely held belief that cutting back on red and processed meat can be beneficial for an individual’s health, suggesting that…

Excited CDC Employees Begin Decorating For Flu Season

Graphic: The Onion ATLANTA—Adorning their headquarters with wreaths of vomitous greens, cyanotic purple bunting, and jolly, glittering papier-mâché viruses, researchers and clinicians at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention began putting up decorations Thursday…

Woman Holds Off Buying Herself New Headphones So…

Photo: The Onion ST. LOUIS—Removing the item from her Amazon shopping cart, local server Melanie Avila confirmed Thursday that she was holding off on buying herself new headphones so her boyfriend can surprise her with…

The Most Terrifying Horror Games Of All Time

Screenshot: The Onion With Halloween just around the corner, OGN is paying tribute to the absolute greatest scares in gaming history. Read on, if you dare, for the most terrifying horror games of all time.…

Loading

‘Please Guide Me In My Darkest Hour Lord,’…

Graphic: The Onion WASHINGTON—Lighting candles at the altar before lowering his head in reverence, President Donald Trump prayed for the lord to guide him in his darkest hour Thursday while kneeling before a portrait of…

Fisher-Price Recalls Dangerous 30-Foot-Tall High Chair

Graphic: The Onion EAST AURORA, NY—Apologizing to customers for mistakenly boosting their children far past the height of the average kitchen table, Fisher-Price officials announced Thursday that they had recalled thousands of dangerous 30-foot-tall high…

Kamala Harris Undergoes Heart Surgery After Seeing Positive…

Photo: The Onion WASHINGTON—Calling the procedure an “absolute necessity” to save her campaign, sources confirmed Thursday that Kamala Harris was rushed into emergency heart surgery immediately after seeing the positive reception Bernie Sanders received. “After…

Sanders Cancels Campaign Events To Receive Heart Stents

After undergoing a minimally invasive surgery for artery blockage, 2020 Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders is resting in “good spirits” and has canceled campaign events until further notice. What do you think? “Realistically, I can’t…

Loading

Max Rose Showed Just How Easy Trump Has…

Caroline Brehman/CQ Roll Call via ZUMA First-term Rep. Max Rose (D-N.Y.) had some big news to announce at his town hall on Staten Island Wednesday evening: split-tolling on the Verrazzano bridge had reduced congestion and…

Facebook Just Gave Trump Permission to Lie

Photo Illustration by Rafael Henrique/SOPA Images/LightRocket via Getty Images President Donald Trump is taking advantage of a Facebook exemption that allows politicians to lie in advertisements to spread disinformation about former Vice President Joe Biden’s…

House Democrats Are So Focused on Ukraine That…

Mother Jones illustration; Getty, Drew Angerer/Getty This is the way things work now: Donald Trump is credibly reported to have given aid and comfort to an enemy that attacked the United States—and this allegation, several…

Why Do Dogs Get Zoomies?

Have you ever seen your dog running around at full gallop indoors and outdoors? It’s funny when that happens, but sometimes it can’t be helped but to feel your heartbeat speeds up for a moment…