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Tyson Holds Contest To Let Fans Submit New…

SPRINGDALE, AR—Announcing that the winner would receive a year’s supply of their frozen poultry products killed in their method of choosing, Tyson Foods unveiled a contest Thursday to let fans submit new ideas for torturing…

Jay Inslee Recalls Decision To Run For President…

OLYMPIA, WA—Explaining to reporters how he had arrived at the difficult decision, 2020 Democratic presidential candidate Jay Inslee recalled Thursday choosing to enter the race after five teenagers from countries across the globe pressed their…

Song Banged Out In Half Hour By Professional…

LOS ANGELES—Working at a clip only slightly faster than usual, a team of professional songwriters spent a half hour banging out a new song that will define local teenager Destiny Cibula’s personality for the next…

Urban Outfitters Introducing Clothing Rental Service

Clothing store Urban Outfitters will introduces a service called Nuuly where, for $88 dollars per month, a customer can rent six items of clothes to wear and return. What do you think? “This business model…

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Depressed LeBron James Realizes That At His Age…

LOS ANGELES—Experiencing an existential crisis after comparing accomplishments, a depressed LeBron James, 34, realized Monday that at his age Nicolaus Copernicus was already developing his groundbreaking theory of heliocentrism. “Jesus, all my life up to…

Chicago Authorities Free Over 2,000 Southpaws From Illegal…

CHICAGO—In what authorities are calling the largest underground anthropomorphic-monster-breeding bust in several decades, the Chicago Police Department freed over 2,000 Southpaws Friday from an illegal White Sox mascot mill on the city’s southwest side. “We…

McDonald’s To Add Global Items To Food Menu

In a shakeup to their U.S. menu, McDonald’s plans to begin selling offerings from around the globe, including the Stroopwafel McFlurry from the Netherlands, the Grand McExtreme Bacon Burger from Spain, and Australia’s Cheesy Bacon…

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Explore the new North Fork: The buzziest hotels,…

Sweet Stays The Menhaden. Erin Farley Photography0 Two new hotels (and another glam inn update) are debuting on the North Fork this season, placing the destination firmly on the New York City weekender’s map. The Menhaden (from…

Kirsten Gillibrand debuts Family Bill of Rights to…

New York Senator and 2020 hopeful Kirsten Gillibrand released an enormous “Family Bill of Rights” on Wednesday morning. Along with being an outspoken supporter of reproductive rights and abortion access, Gillibrand wants to help make…

Open thread for night owls: Sen. Sanders has…

John Nichols at The Nation writes—Bernie Sanders Does Not Need to Apologize for Opposing Wars: He was absolutely right to oppose the Vietnam War and the Iraq War, and he is right to now oppose war…