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The FBI’s Former Top Lawyer Says the Russia…

Former FBI general counsel James Baker (right) stands next to his boss, ex-FBI chief James Comey. Scott Eisen/Getty The FBI’s decision to investigate the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia “was not about Donald Trump but…

Harried Woman On Train Quickly Doing Plastic Surgery…

CHICAGO—Speculating that the self-anesthetizing, scalpel-bearing woman must have left the house in a big hurry that morning, passengers on a crowded Chicago Brown Line train confirmed Friday that a fellow rider attempted a quick session…

Islam Is Incompatible With Country-Western Culture

A Cowboy There’s been some changes lately ’round these parts. Spilling over the countryside from hill to holler, Muslim immigrants have poured in by the millions. And they ain’t just in the big cities anymore.…

Upset Red Sox Fan Demands To Speak To…

BOSTON—Fuming as he referred to the on-field product as “totally unacceptable,” upset Red Sox fan James McCormack pulled aside a Fenway Park employee Friday and demanded to speak to the team’s manager. “Is this the…

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Alabama Cracks Down On Abortions By Outlawing All…

MONTGOMERY, AL—Defending the measure as necessary to fully eliminate the practice of terminating pregnancies, Alabama Gov. Kay Ivey signed a bill Friday cracking down on abortions by outlawing all medical procedures in the state. “The…

Car Ride Devoted To Explaining What Things Will…

PENNSAUKEN, NJ—Warning the children that the 75-year-old matriarch had been dealing with a number of health problems lately, local mother Wendy Gritton devoted the majority of an hour-long car ride Friday to explaining what things…

Turning Point USA Condemns UNLV Student For Filming…

PHOENIX—Swiftly responding to a leaked video they called “incongruent with their core values,” conservative activist group Turning Point USA issued a statement Friday condemning a University Of Nevada, Las Vegas chapter student for filming a…

Tips For Going Through A Divorce

About half of all marriages end in divorce, in what can be an incredibly painful process for a couple to go through. The Onion offers some helpful tips for taking stress and anxiety out of…

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Jessica Simpson wears corset after giving birth to…

Jessica Simpson is not shy about sharing the many pitfalls of pregnancy. Whether it’s flaunting her swollen feet or breaking toilet sets, the former pop star, 38, has always been forthcoming about the struggles of…

Transform Your Yard and Community Into an Oasis…

Ruby-throated Hummingbird feeding on a Bee Balm plant. Photo: BudOhio/Flickr CC BY-NC-ND 2.0 NEW YORK – “From a changing climate to habitat loss from urban development, birds are constantly facing a myriad of challenges to…

Transform Your Yard and Community Into an Oasis…

Ruby-throated Hummingbird feeding on a Bee Balm plant. Photo: BudOhio/Flickr CC BY-NC-ND 2.0 NEW YORK – “From a changing climate to habitat loss from urban development, birds are constantly facing a myriad of challenges to…